My experience with DEPRESSION. Why I am what I am!!

COVID-19 pandemic, severe economic damages, number of jobless people on rise with systematic racism on top, this world literally needs a reboot somewhere with ample doses of humanity.

This post is not about racism or corona virus situation. Talking about mental health & depression; I totally understand DEPRESSION is real, RACISM is real, FOOLS are heading nations, TEENS & YOUNG PEOPLE are busy with tiktok and weed/cocaine (Don’t know why i fucking hate it, smokers are disgusting in my eyes.) & at the end I will definitely mention “INEQUALITY IS A DEEP ROOTED ISSUE IN OUR SOCIETY”. Again my bad, I swear I will stick to this topic of MENTAL HEALTH & DEPRESSION from now onwards. Here’s my take, unbiased & raw.

Have I ever experienced any mental health issues or anything like DEPRESSION? Answer: Hell YES. I have experienced it like any other random human at certain phase of life. I have done my fair share of amazing mistakes & chaotic nonsensical blunders. I have seen depression. Now I am gonna share few secrets about me; I have done illegal knuckle boxing, broken few bones of my opponents to feed my anger, broken my bones with two illegal racing related accidents, ran away from home during my teen days, stopped communication with parents for a long time, was framed for a heinous business practice in a partnership where I wasted a tiny chunk of my life (later came out clean after fighting for the right), failed to be son my parents wanted me to be. I have cried nights sitting under shower without eating anything for days while experiencing million different suicidal thoughts. It’s been 13 years I am staying away from home, in hostel till college days and currently in my rented apartment. Whatever I mentioned here, they all contributed to an immense amount of mental trauma in my past which drained a lot of sanity from me. Most pains were caused by my own actions & sometimes when people around failed to show me a tiny bit of empathy. I have given pain to few in my past, even that hurts me at some point. At a certain point I just came to a realisation that “a RACIST/NARCISSISTIC/ABUSIVE/NEGATIVE person is a person who gains momentum from a good person’s downward movement. That’s how they get more power to do the nasty shit they love to do. Last observation: THIS WORLD WORKS ON THE BASIS OF EAT OR GET EATEN & A PERSON WITH HATE IN HIS HEART WILL CONTINUE TO BE THE SAME TILL HE DIES WITH THAT HATE. Nobody can change them. One thing you can do is; become powerful and laugh at their face or be kind and smile to their foolishness”. Either ways “BE TRUTHFUL & KIND”, your god wants that from you. Nobody else is in your control except yourself, so first change yourself to a better human being.

Now you must be thinking “why this stupid TAP again lost his way from mental health?” No I didn’t. This brown guy named TAP has been through some of that racial profiling during those “business partnership went wrong days” i mentioned above. I will talk about that incident some other day. Do I have complaints? No I don’t. The only thing which helped me stand up on my feet is a 24/7 running eager brain to learn something new. I am still a twenty something amazing TAP right now. I have a bachelor’s in engineering, master’s degree in business administration, i own two tiny businesses, currently pursuing PhD as a research scholar & my current passport has stamp of 29 countries if I am correct. And I preach “LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL”.

Right now only problem is my anger I still encounter once in a while. My past has made me emotionally unavailable to every single human I interact. I understand only one language called MONEY. Actually I can say; my religion is MONEY. Here is a funny conversation in middle of this serious post. Within these few years I have developed a thick skin where you can’t push me down or use fowl words to screw my mood, haters live in my spam. I acknowledge being a grumpy asshole at the peak point of my arrogance, I am just afraid of myself when people try to spoil my piece of peace. That moment my anger reflects as my arrogance and I can’t hide it. I literally feel like I can punch that face enough till jaw is broken so that less venom will spread via that shitty mouth. Controlling anger is my biggest challenge.

You must have noticed me preaching about going out to nature. That’s one reason I actually snap out once in a while. I head to some nearby forest/garden/park or hilltop. That me-time makes me realise I am not the bad person I usually get afraid of. I am still taking steps towards getting rid of my dark side. Never ever thought even for a second I am better compared/superior to someone else. But I am different/unique. Unique because of my own set of success, schedule, routine, mindset, diet, goodness, past, habit, bad habits, flaws & yeah my addiction to homemade sugar free cheesecake made by chef TAP. I know what’s right & where can I go wrong!! There is something called “intuition” which works constantly towards understanding & bringing my best. “Success will not guarantee happiness, but happiness is way bigger better than SUCCESS”. My today’s A-game will be tomorrow’s B, I can’t blame this on anyone because it’s the rule of this fast moving world. In this process of analysing myself, mental health became a priority like my 5pack abs(I am missing my gym like life). You can do 100 push-ups to get a fit body, there is a workout routine you can follow. For your mind, the only workout is learning & only cure is happiness. Learning here doesn’t mean just studying, learning from surrounding or people, learning a new business, being a better person, everything is a learning which gives you a good or bad lesson with little value to your life. I am that guy who starts his day by checking himself naked in mirror right after waking up. This fit body makes me more confident & comfortable anywhere I am. Working towards being a better human, that’s the end goal. Yes depression tried to pull me down & my grumpy face firey eyes showed him little bit of that fighter spirit in me mixed with some leo pride. Not the finish line yet, but DEPRESSION FAILED already. I will say “I AM HAPPY instead of I WON”.

I know i wrote something completely scattered jumbled within 11 minutes while thinking about what not to eat for breakfast today, literally bored of baked beans on toast. Sending loads of vibe to earn a smile.
Tap OUT..๐Ÿ˜˜

28 thoughts on “My experience with DEPRESSION. Why I am what I am!!

  1. Tap! Eat some eggs and oatmeal – thatโ€™s better than baked beans on toast (!?) – Iโ€™m teasing you here. Dontโ€™ do what I say – I give terrible advise.
    Depression… oh my goodness. So difficult. But it really is a mind set isnโ€™t it? I feel itโ€™s ok to slip in and out of it but getting stuck there – I feel for those people who canโ€™t get their thoughts under control and let the depression spiral out of control. Social media doesnโ€™t help with this at all.
    I love your positive outlook! Keep at it, be encouraged and be blessed abundantly today.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oats smoothie with banana, almonds & some vanilla whey is my favourite drink. I am learning to make green shakshuka & berry omelette today. Social media is a place people showcase their best moments, that shouldn’t make someone insecure. Everything you said is taken with a big welcome, thanks for your words & suggestion.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. More power to you, Tapan. Iโ€™m glad youโ€™re being aware and conscious. Some people fall into depression whilst not even knowing what it is thatโ€™s consuming them whole.
    I literally died with your fools are heading nations. ๐Ÿ˜‚
    Off late- I think since Iโ€™m seeing people lesser, Iโ€™m becoming more crankier. I never was a people person but during these trying times Iโ€™ve realised that that is false. I love people, mine more so, and enjoy their company. My anger issues which was always there has spiked so much, Iโ€™m realising that this is not even cool.
    Any tips on how to control that since I see youโ€™ve added a bit on that there?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. 1. Have some Ben & Jerry’s strawberry cheesecake ice cream while watching your favourite cartoon.
      2. Try the toughest workout you know for few minutes.
      (One out of these two definitely works to calm down anger)
      If the other side is expecting you to be angry or upset, surprise them with a mockery filled laughter. We mustn’t lose our peace over negative people.

      Thanks for sharing that “ANGER” part, I can see bit of me in it. Yes fools are heading nations.๐Ÿ˜‚ I understand we all lose it at one point. And please don’t be cranky, there must be people in family and friends who expect your smile, entertain them & go limited to just few. Hope you are having a good time @home.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. The problem is that before Iโ€™d need a trigger for that anger but now itโ€™s anything and everything ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿฟโ€โ™€๏ธ
        Iโ€™ll try the workout thing tho ๐Ÿ˜ Iโ€™ve never heard of Ben & Jerryโ€™s here ๐Ÿ˜…

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Have a heart to heart conversation with yourself, you don’t want that anger. If that fails, get your favourite ice cream & do the toughest workout to burn those extra unwanted calories. Mind diverts itself pretty quick. And let’s switch that Ben&Jerry’s with Amul.๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿค—

          Liked by 2 people

  3. Thank you for sharing your journey. ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿพ I find that the most beautiful people often have experienced a difficult/challenging past. It can be the fuel needed for being our greatest selves.
    Also, I get butt-naked and dance around every morning! I assumed everyone did. ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ Haha. ๐Ÿ˜†

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Ha Ha. Double Kudos ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘ to that dance. I do the same while making breakfast pancakes.๐Ÿ˜‚

      Thanks a ton for your amazing words. We all need a kick in ass to see the real potential we have. Completely agree to all your words, sometimes that’s the fuel.๐Ÿค—

      Liked by 1 person

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